Dang. I don't use words like that, I don't even think words like that, I'm a hypercleanmouth/head. I used to feel hot and attractive, eleven months ago. I feel like crap today D= no the diet is not going well nor the excercising. I can't be completely negative though, at almost three months old, the little girl has finally learned how to breastfeed like a champ so, yeah, a beautiful ray of sunshine to brighten my dark day.
I had the flu for the past two days and today woke up with a bladder infection and heat rash ouch it's not fun stuff at all.
My husband has been doing stuff for christmas with his work that I'm not able to come to because of caring for baby so on top of barely seeing him between taekwondo (five days a week) I also haven't seen him all weekend, I used to love doing that stuff with him.
I've been staying at the place where I work the last two days to visit because my house is lonely and since I'm not doing their food shopping anymore they only had tinned soup and peanut butter and jam sandwiches so on top of everything I feel terrible from what I've been eating.
He came to where I work to visit and he disrespects me in front of the youth I work with constantly, "can you get me a cookie I'm feeding the baby" "get your own damn cookie" and didn't want to go home though I was tired of being there especially since one of the girls has taken a particularly bad attitude toward everything and isn't ever happy, I was completely sick of her negative combacks to anything said. So I left and I'm home alone with baby though I do hate being lonely I hate negative attitudes and disrespect more.
This evening I expereinced that frightened feeling that scares me to the marrow of my bones, that I won't be able to take care of her, that I won't be able to handle it and will just break and give up, hand her over to someone and say please I can't take it anymore just formula feed her and leave me alone. But I want so badly to be a good mother and I love her dearly, which is why those thoughts scare me so badly. I couldn't imagine her confused little face wondering why I wasn't there she relies on me completely. I can't even leave her with aunty or grandma with expressed milk to go shopping anymore lately, she won't take her bottle and cries for me almost inconsolably.
I just feel crappy inside and out today. Physically, relationally, emotionally, even spiritually just crappy. My overall health just isn't well.
My "dark day" is pretty pathetic when compared to what other people are going through around the world, I just had to write it out to get my head on straight again and put things into perspective I'm already feeling a bit better about things, thank you blog. And I don't care if I've not done my best these last ten days I'm not a quiter it seems determination is ingrained in my nervous system.
I will beat this and get back on track. I will feel hot and good looking again, I will be in control of my body again to subject it to my dieting, excercise and other wills. I will take my measurements today. Because 20 days from now I'm going to be taking more progress pictures ready or not and there dang (oh oh bad word again) well better be some progress! because there is dang well going to be some effort put it to get them results.
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Wow, I can't believe how far I've come since writing this. My attitude has improved drastically, huby's attitude too. I'm not feeling all that much more hot and shmexy my attitude has just shifted I don't know exactly where it came from, perhaps it's the spriritual suport I'm now getting from a bible study group I've started attending, and I've been reading a chapter in the bible and getting together with a lady to talk about it almost weekly and we're praying for each other.
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