Distracted and Discouraged

Hello, my name is Meghan and I'm overwieght... still. I keep sitting around waiting for a miracle but nothing seems to be happening my pants are still tight, I feel embarased when I walk across a room my thighs fall over the edge of the chairs I sit in, bla. I look at the common pre pregnancy high school girl, the me of 2009 and mothers.

Why is it that most of the time after having a child women just, ahblu, plump up? I supose that school kind of keeps you distracted from food, there's all morning and evening to fit a workout in and you've only got yourself stading in the way of getting it done. As a mom it's me and my fridge home all day, I've got to have a will of steel to get my workout in, first I've got to care for baby, then I've got to get through any excuses and set aside all distractions and protests to turn on that video AGAIN ugg I don't know if I can handle that excesivly excited voice chiming at me anymore "your having fun right, you won't do it if your not having fun, your going to do this over and over because you your having so much fun!!!!"

I'll admit it does feel good after a workout the sense of accomplishement the burn in my muscles from the work, I was so discouraged after my last fit test that I've gone three weeks with only one workout a week. I didn't do yesterday's eigther, but I did do todays. It also sucks that we have no groceries... again. The house is in an uproar because of construction everything is allover the place, we have just about no food in the house except soup and oatmeal, the chaos is distracting and discouraging.

I never know what to expect or if I'll have food or not because my husband has no concept of finacial planning, "we have no money" then he goes and eats out... yeah riiiight I thought we had no money, you know we could buy enough ground beef for a month for your 15 dollar lunch.

I MISS SEEING 155 LBS ON THE SCALE AND FEELING THIN HEALTHY AND SEXY D=

The proof is in the Pudding

Quite literaly, the double P's pudding and pants size. Pudding being my big flabbykin belly there's no lying to them about what I ate or how much effort I put into my workouts, my self dicipline is written all over my body for anyone to read. Yeah a little down cause of the one month fit test and messure. I lost half an inch in my belly, gained half an inch in my hips and am up 3 lbs, man I've been working out so hard though...

It's the diet, the diet is killing me I've been keeping track on my calandar days I eat healthy, and I have two on record for the past month of turbo jam. Also, though I do 20-40 minutes of workout five days a week, what am I doing the rest of the day? Sitting around eating unhealthy food, that's not going to get me anywhere.

Day 10 totally broken dieting

Dang. I don't use words like that, I don't even think words like that, I'm a hypercleanmouth/head. I used to feel hot and attractive, eleven months ago. I feel like crap today D= no the diet is not going well nor the excercising. I can't be completely negative though, at almost three months old, the little girl has finally learned how to breastfeed like a champ so, yeah, a beautiful ray of sunshine to brighten my dark day.

I had the flu for the past two days and today woke up with a bladder infection and heat rash ouch it's not fun stuff at all.

My husband has been doing stuff for christmas with his work that I'm not able to come to because of caring for baby so on top of barely seeing him between taekwondo (five days a week) I also haven't seen him all weekend, I used to love doing that stuff with him.

I've been staying at the place where I work the last two days to visit because my house is lonely and since I'm not doing their food shopping anymore they only had tinned soup and peanut butter and jam sandwiches so on top of everything I feel terrible from what I've been eating.

He came to where I work to visit and he disrespects me in front of the youth I work with constantly, "can you get me a cookie I'm feeding the baby" "get your own damn cookie" and didn't want to go home though I was tired of being there especially since one of the girls has taken a particularly bad attitude toward everything and isn't ever happy, I was completely sick of her negative combacks to anything said. So I left and I'm home alone with baby though I do hate being lonely I hate negative attitudes and disrespect more.

This evening I expereinced that frightened feeling that scares me to the marrow of my bones, that I won't be able to take care of her, that I won't be able to handle it and will just break and give up, hand her over to someone and say please I can't take it anymore just formula feed her and leave me alone. But I want so badly to be a good mother and I love her dearly, which is why those thoughts scare me so badly. I couldn't imagine her confused little face wondering why I wasn't there she relies on me completely. I can't even leave her with aunty or grandma with expressed milk to go shopping anymore lately, she won't take her bottle and cries for me almost inconsolably.

I just feel crappy inside and out today. Physically, relationally, emotionally, even spiritually just crappy. My overall health just isn't well.

My "dark day" is pretty pathetic when compared to what other people are going through around the world, I just had to write it out to get my head on straight again and put things into perspective I'm already feeling a bit better about things, thank you blog. And I don't care if I've not done my best these last ten days I'm not a quiter it seems determination is ingrained in my nervous system.

I will beat this and get back on track. I will feel hot and good looking again, I will be in control of my body again to subject it to my dieting, excercise and other wills. I will take my measurements today. Because 20 days from now I'm going to be taking more progress pictures ready or not and there dang (oh oh bad word again) well better be some progress! because there is dang well going to be some effort put it to get them results.

Day 2

So yesterday I had access to good food finally, but ate bad food on top of the good so not that great of a start to my 90 days of healthy eating. I anticipate todays going to be a hard one too. It's Becks birthday and we're having a tea party and watching Jane Austin videos. There's going to be cheescake and other dainties oh nooos.

I'd like to say, since it's a birthday I should make an exception, but my family is so big that there's a birthday every month if not some other party, like Christmas... so that's not going to work, I'll just have to have very small portion sizes and limit how much of it I eat and be sure not to miss my workout today.

I know! I'll make sure to stay filled up on water and eat a good portion of the healthy food available, like tuna and egg salad sandwiches, so I don't have any hunger leading me to eat the bad stuff. Yeah, let's see how that goes.

How did the party go? Well I resisted a cookie before the party, then during the party I feel I was moderate in my intake for the most part though I didn't take just a sliver of cake as I'm suposed to, I took two whole pieces and that's cheesecake we're talking about here. At the end I considered taking one last sugar cookie but resisted, yay me. I also had four cups of coffee with flavoured creamer (I can't resist that stuff it's amazing) and a small glass of wine.